“North or South, they sing no songs for spiders” is one of the lesser known quotes by Lord Varys in the epic series ‘Game of Thrones’. The same can be said of the infamous Probox. In spite of it’s sheer ruggedness, it has received a lot of scorn and ridicule while also being heavily stereotyped due to it’s dubious distinction as the car of choice for thugs, vegetable sellers, illegal PSV operators, herb transporters and even the dreaded sting squads in our police service. Praise for it has been few and far between. While I consider most of the criticism to be baseless and unfounded, one thing is for sure, you definitely will not be picking up Dakota Fanning’s level of women in this contraption but it almost always excels in every other task. The only ladies you can confidently woo with a Probox are ladies of the night.
Now this is a car that evokes bitter memories in me. Back when I used to run a small under-equipped movie shop in the dusty outskirts of Kasarani, a white, tinted Probox was a symbol of terror that instilled untold fear in all movie shop owners when one was spotted leisurely cruising around. It was the car of choice for the ruthless MCSK officials who once arrested me for selling downloaded music during a sting operation and made me sit in the boot with all my computers. The boot itself was surprisingly roomy but the horror that followed left a deep psychological scar in me that may take ages to heal. I still experience nightmares and panic attacks when I see a white, tinted Probox casually roaming around the neighborhood after my horrific ordeal with those inconsiderate nincompoops. It was also (and probably still is) utilized by the even more ruthless KFCB officials and some unscrupulous police men who once accused me of selling porn and framed me in broad daylight (I have never dealt with porn) and again I had to suffer through the indignity of awkwardly contorting my body to fit in the boot as I was ferried to the nearest police post with trumped up charges (I later learnt that this was an initiation of sorts for new movie shop owners.) That kind of psychological horror was unprecedented and has left deep psychological scars in an otherwise well-raised boy who grew up in the perfect middle class family with absolutely no record of run-ins with the law.
Getting behind the wheel of one however, felt liberating. It felt like I had taken the place of my oppressor. It was all the therapy I needed to rid myself of the ever recurring nightmares and panic attacks that plagued me whenever I encountered a probox. I was like, “hey, it’s not all that bad, look at me rising above oppression.” It wasn’t entirely dissimilar to the African American slaves back in the proverbial days of yore, when slavery was abolished, and they took the chains that once bound them, melted them in a furnace and made elaborate metal tools that they used to till the land they finally owned as free men. I even considered starting a popular uprising to uproot the despotic regime but I quickly shelved the idea when the ills that had befallen other “freedom fighters” finally dawned on me. It was that brutal moment when you’re hit by the cruel, unlettered bastard called reality. A bastard that has crushed many hopes and dreams indeed.
The old “Mzee” who handed me this Probox seemed to have been overly paranoid given his peculiar rules. I was forbidden from driving beyond the Nairobi metropolitan area without informing him and under no circumstances was I allowed to ferry members of the opposite sex (not that I intended to.) His reasons for the latter were along the lines of “distracted driving” and “peculiar lady smells that are hard to get rid of” (i have no idea what he meant by this.) Steep rules by any standards but the car was handed to me pro bono with instructions to pen an unbiased review based on my experience therefore it was his car, his rules. He did, however, include a generous amount of fuel that was just shy of the half mark. I was also hesitant at first due to the psychological horror i’ve mentioned but someone once said that the best way to overcome your fear is to face it. And face it I did. He even allowed me to drive it for 2 more days when i returned it on saturday evening.
How you approach the Probox will determine the kind of impression it will ingrain in you. If you approach it from a place of baseless superstition and unfounded slander, you will be disappointed not because it’s a terrible car as has been alleged, but because of the placebo effect, you will hate it because everyone else hates it. If you’ve already made up your mind that it is a “problem box” as many here refer to it based solely on street cred, then you’ll wind up unhappy but at least you won’t stall in the middle of nowhere at ungodly hours. You may get where you’re going while frowning and discontented (and with an aching back) but at least you will get there. Driving it however is (unsurprisingly) boring and uneventful.
On the exterior, the design is bland and uninspiring. It wouldn’t be out of place in the 90s. It seems Toyota were not particularly keen on including sleek curves, daytime LEDs (too farfetched?), xenon headlights, fancy chrome grills and the like. It seems to have been hastily designed and assembled and the rear even looks like a mini Hiace “box” van. Hell, the toy cars peddled by hawkers are much more meticulously designed with sleek curves and rounded headlights. This on the other hand is more of a box on wheels but in the spirit of fairness, this must have been a measure designed to keep costs down but I feel like a lot was sacrificed in the process. The exterior generally leaves a lot to be desired but my expectations were limited from the start so none of this came as a surprise.
Interior-wise, the car is ridiculously uncomfortable. The seats are as stiff as a board and the wobbly suspension doesn’t help. It’s definitely not ideal for long distances otherwise back pains will be the order of the day. The rear seats are even worse. It’s akin to sitting on a bloody rock and they don’t even have headrests. With the windows up and some smooth 80s hits blasting from the aftermarket stereo, the ride was a bit more bearable. It’s definitely not an ideal family car (why would you even subject your family to such a jarring ride?) The legroom in the back seats is acceptable for people of average height but don’t expect Zoe Olowo with her unusually long legs to fit comfortably. The headroom however is decent for a car in it’s class. The boot space is amazing and probably the reason why it’s used illegally as a public service vehicle or by unsavory government agencies out to harass budding entrepreneurs such as myself. I could already picture myself ferrying several bags of potatoes from the countryside. With the rear seats folded, you could, theoretically, fit in an entire baby elephant though why anyone would ponder doing that, in spite of the impetus by KWS, is beyond me.
The rear windows are opened by means of hand-operated wind-down levers which is a feature I last saw in my dad’s Toyota DX station wagon back in 2010 (shortly before he upgraded to a fielder.) As a fan of power windows, I detest this archaic technology but then again this is, for all intents and purposes, a commercial van rather than a family car. In most use cases, the rear seats will almost always be folded down. Handling was decent but be prepared to under-steer into someone’s farm if you take corners too fast. It’s not a bloody evo X with it’s S-AWC sorcery. The N/A 1.5L engine paired to a 4-speed automatic transmission provides adequate power but don’t expect to tow mheshimiwa’s stalled 2019 Lexus LX 570 uphill. Also I experienced something unusual, While doing 100 on Thika road, I noticed that the back became “light” and wobbly as though the rear wheels intended to bid the road surface goodbye. I was all alone with no luggage so it could be that the rear column is far too light when unloaded. Maybe if I had hit 160, I would have been propelled into outer space to meet my creator (while simultaneously becoming the first Kenyan to enter space.) “Hey, look mommy, it’s a flying Probox!” Yeah, sorry kids, not today.
One thing I must point out because it’s such an eye sore is the huge speedometer with massive numbers. What were the designers at Toyota thinking? This speedo is so disturbing that at some point, I had to place my copy of “The East African” over it just so I couldn’t see it. The dashboard and basically everything else in the interior is cheap plastic which is something I have come to greatly dislike. Another eyesore is the two large, black plastic slabs on either side of the front bumper. What is this, a bloody farm tractor? Was this car designed by interns? And to think that they’ve shipped the same “design flaw” with the “new model.” It’s as though they wanted to put in a full black bumper over the existing one but then they realized that they were assembling a budget car and decided to just slap two ugly black pieces of plastic on either side to “save on costs” as if plastic costs millions of dollars. I suppose no one would be stupid enough to show up with this at a concours d’elegance event 70 years from now.
For day to day driving or as family car I would suggest you go hug a cactus tightly, it will be much less painful. Comfort is non-existent, the ride is jarring and you will forever have to part with “kitu kidogo” at every traffic stop for blending in with the worst elements of society. but if you need to get actual work done, you should definitely utilize the probox’s many talents but be prepared to have your self-esteem take a significant hit. No one will ever take you seriously if you show up with this car at a family function. It would stand out like the drunk person in a group of sober people; he gets interrupted, talked over, nobody listens, nobody cares. It’s an easy way to be made the black sheep of the family. Not that the car is that bad but perception of the masses would be your achilles heels. It’s difficult to erase a perception so deeply ingrained.
My take is that the Probox is the donkey of cars. It’s meant to be abused in commercial operations where it excels and in this regard, it’s not necessarily a family-friendly car. Toyota may not be aware that they made a relatively indestructible van that can take heavy abuse but if they got wind of this, it would, probably, be bad for business due to the “planned obsolence” BJM once wrote about. This may or may not have reflected in the face-lifted “New Model” Probox which could be, theoretically, much less reliable because Toyota probably doesn’t intend that you drive one car of over 10 years. Who will buy all the new cars? But then again maybe Toyota isn’t keen on shedding it’s reputation of rock-hard reliability and this was therefore a deliberate move. Anyway, only time will tell as the “new models” continue to ship in from the land of Sasuke.
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